Waking T'Chris Devine

Well that's odd. There have been no songs the last couple mornings. Or maybe it's not odd, I've never tracked them seriously before.

It may be that it's Finals week at school and my brain is occupied with Engineering tasks or the overflow of work. But this morning driving into work, I noticed a quiet song playing in my head. It doesn't have words so I wasn't sure what to do with it. I looked up the album. The song is called "Beyond Spirits and Dreams" and is the lead in to the second most depressing yet romantic song I know, "Hear Me." (the single most depressing song I know is "Hallelujah" by Rufus Wainwright--the first time I heard it on the radio I had to pull over and pull myself together) I had never really noticed that they were seperate songs before. The line in "Hear Me" that gets to me every time I hear it is

like a house deserted I'm roofless and alone... where is your voice? where is your touch? (...) where is the light I miss so much?

I suppose this is a response to this weekend's reading that I took to say that I would be *alone* for this year. But talking to my "guru" yesterday it suddenly gelled to me that the question I had asked was about the four "wierd people" that had shown up in my life again. Maybe the cards were just warning me to clear them out (one card surely said that) and get on with my life.

Another thought hits as I write this is that it's not a lover that's missing (though he is) but the Creator (it)self. Lately I've been pulled to do more in my Spiritual life. This weekend, after Finals are over, I should explore this...

Stay tuned...

Title Reference: Waking Ned Devine: Original Motion Picture Soundtrack"

Do You Believe In Life After Love?

Today's song is just the refrain repeating over and over. I take it to be a reality check making sure that I have agreed with the Universe and am ready to move on. For the next year, I am not to pursue a lover. I have other tasks to do before I can get on with that.

I think I can do that. Though the card reader at the Renaissance Festival said I'd meet someone "interesting" (relationship wise) by the Fall, that does not seem to have happened. I'm not sure what form this hiatus will take but I am sure that it will be interesting. Perhaps I'll finally get some of my creative juices flowing--and to be fair, that's what I think this is all about: giving me some time to get some work done that I haven't yet. Not that I've spent a lot of time relationship-hunting but I need to pull some of my resources away from worrying about it.

The Universe knows what it's doing, even if I don't :)

Title Reference: Cher: Believe">

We're On a Road to Nowhere

At tonight's Samhain ritual, a woman was reading cards if anyone wanted to look into the coming year. I asked why 4 estranged "friends" had shown up back in my life this week: one owes a lot of money, one was a "stalker" of mine who's now in prison, one who often cuts himself and is now pre-op to become a female. Hmm, I can't recall the fourth. But you get the idea.

Anyway, the Reader's spread was an interesting mix of male and female energy, exactly balanced. Nearly every card had fertility meanings and nearly every one was in opposition. I can't help but feel that means I need to put my dating goals on hold. Or at least not center stage. The only fertility card that was not in opposition was the first card which was said to represent the coming decision I need to make about the "friends" coming/returning into my life. She said, like the wolf, I need others around me but they need to be equals not dogs who are subordinate. Without these others I was flounder looking to fill their places in my life, bringing "less worthy but available" induhviduals into my space. The Boar card was inverted which showed baby boars suckling against their mother or rooting through refuse. She suggested that the card might mean either nourishment from things others consider waste or bringing toxins into my life. I felt strongly that it was a warning to not let myself be depleted by all the people in my life who "want something." The opening card said I was starting a journey, the final card showed the end of the journey by next Samhain or so.

So what is the journey, what am I going to do this year? I think the fertility that was in the cards was a sign of the writing I'm supposed to be doing this year. Last Yule I got a project thrust upon me. And it's been chewing at me for awhile while I ignored it--or rather got too busy to devote appropriate time to. I'm going to start devoting at least an hour every other day to writing and see where it takes me.

Wish Me Luck!

Title Reference: Talking Heads Road To Nowhere

Tonight, I Dedicate My Love...

Happy Samhain everyone!

I just came in from placing a lantern outside to light the way for my Honored Dead. It's warm enough that I did it in my silk ritual gear even though it snowed two days ago. Snowed hard enough to functionally close the town for several hours.



But tonight, right now, I'm here to honor my dead. There are six tonight:

1) My Mom. Gone now for must be a decade. I still think of her every time I see/hear a wolf whether it's real or a toy or a picture. It seems odd still not to be able to talk with you about how my days are going.

2) Her Mom, Grandma. She died last year. She was an amazing artist and adventurer in her time. I hope that creative spirit still lives in me.

3) Tumbles, my Familiar. She died a few months ago. I hope that I didn't hasten her demise but she came to be petted one day, I petted her kinda absently as I was getting settled in for the day and she went outside. And never came back. It's still weird not to sleep with her.

4) Scott Cunningham, Mentor. Though we never met, we talked alot through my journals and his books. He made magick accessible to me and many others. He lives on through his books.

5) Carl Sagan, Mentor. Again, we never met, but he filled my brain and heart with the joy of learning. And made me want to spread the joy to others.

6) Gene Roddenbury, Mentor. Again, a remote mentor, but his worlds helped me to settle thoughts in my own head and gave me a pantheon (or two) to give me courage and strength to face the battles that happen so often in this life.

And for them, I place this light outside to help to light their way on this night of the thinnest veil between the worlds.

May you never Hunger. Blessed Be.

Title Reference: Peabo Bryson Tonight I Celebrate My Love

You Can Never Go Home...

The ending credits song from The Two Towers was stuck in my head this morning. This has been happening alot of late. When I suddenly realized what these songs were doing, the news theme from the Daily Show started in my head. I'm taking that to mean that I'm finally understanding a message I've been given. So I've decided to write down the songs each morning and see if I can see a trend with them.

Usually the song is just a fragment of the song but it's enough to get me to go listen to it and get the message. Or the song that follows it on the radio/ipod/whatever is the message I really needed to hear and the one in my head is just a prompt to go looking for the other.

Today however, the song is playing over and over a whole (disjointed) section.

Don't say goodbye, don't say I didn't try...and we will weep to be so alone, we are lost and can never go home...No loyal friend was ever there for me... And you will weep when you face the end alone: You are lost and can never go home

I admit to feeling that way some days but I know intellectually that it's not true. But some days it seems really hard to keep fighting the good fight when it's just you fighting. Some days it seems like it would be really nice to be one of the lemmings in this world and just go to work and come home again. I'll get over this feeling soon enough but I don't know that I want the Universe telling me I'm going to be alone. Though maybe that's the thing. To misquote Vanyel Askevon, "just because I don't have my own hearthfire doesn't mean that I can't warm myself at my friends' hearths periodically." Being alone can be a benefit that will allow me to accomplish my Universal goal for this life in a way I couldn't if I was married/involved. I just need to make sure I don't let being alone rob me of my understanding of what it means to be human.

Title Reference: Howard Shore, Emiliana Torrini: Gollum's Song from The Lord of the Rings: The Two Towers

I'll Be Home for Christmas

I've been house-sitting for a buddy of mine this weekend. Last night I sat and read a little of my novel while his family cat sat with me and enjoyed some company (read "you may pet me, now!"). It got me thinking: I really enjoyed sitting there in the living room, sitting with the cat. It felt like "home."

So I kinda looked around at my buddy's house and thought, yes this does feel like a home. It feels like people really live in the house I'm house-sitting.

Whereas my house feels like a warehouse. It feels like the three of us who live here are just storing our stuff and ourselves at this house. When the roommates give me trouble about something, I usually say, "I don't care, I don't live here." That actually seems to be the case.

This won't do.

So from now to the New Year, I need to start planning what I'm going to do to make my house feel like a real home again. It used to back in the day.

One thing that certainly needs to happen is all the boxes stored all over need to be "gone through." Maybe if we don't have isles (or random piles) of boxes, it won't seem like such a warehouse :)

And I bet I'm not alone in this. All the clutter from our lives may be stopping us from working on the next thing. Or it may be interfering with our Chi. Maybe we need to clear our minds and our spaces so that the next exciting thought or project can come along. Maybe we need to clear out our inboxes so new ideas can come, clean out our closets so the next fun project can start, or clear off the table so the next "family dinner" can happen. It's probably different for each of us.

But I know I'm a nester. It doesn't take much to keep me happy-as long as I have somewhere to be happy. But it takes more than this :) OK roomies, let's get started!

Title Reference: Duh! Bing Crosby, I'll Be Home For Christmas

...And Warm Woolen Mittens...

Happy Thanksgiving everyone!

Tonight it snowed in Colorado Springs and made everything seem all festive all of a sudden. Driving home from dinner I saw the first neighborhood lights set up and it brought such a smile to my face.

I had to stop and take the picture to share I was so excited. I felt like a little kid again. As you can see, I had to fiddle with the camera a bit to get a good picture. And that got me to thinking:

It took several tries to get the image right. Fortunately, the camera allows a preview mode so you can check the photos before you commit to them. Wouldn't it be wonderful if Life did that too? Sometimes you've got to just put your effort in blind and hope that it works out the way you want it to.

Then, while you're messing with whatever you're doing, you've got to pay attention to what's going on outside of your efforts. Sometimes something glorious is happening just outside your view that you'll miss completely if you aren't paying attention. Sometimes you'll see an unexplored path which may lead to glory, or you'll see something that tells you "this is what you're doing this for..." Either way, you have to Look.

And you know, this started out to be a Thanksgiving Post, the obligatory summary of what I'm thankful for. And you know what, I'm thankful for a lot. Some things I'm thankful for them happening and some for them not :)
So, I know I may be happier than I am right now if things were going better or if the company was rolling in cash or whatever but I know I'm Blessed because (in no particular order):

I work with great people, people who share some of my most important dreams

That I have Dreams and I want to make them real

I've got great "kids" in my classes who challenge me and keep me going

I've got more "brilliant ideas" in my head than I could possibly ever turn into reality

I've learned that some take more time to mature than others

I've learned that it's ok to call for help. I don't have to do it all by myself

I've learned to communicate what I want so that the offered help is "helpful"

And that My Way is not necessarily the best way, but it might be a valuable starting point...

And I'm Thankful for our competitors, you know who you are, who challenge us and push us to do better work--and who validate that what we're doing needs to be done

And for our customers who make all the work worthwhile--remember, you are the cause of our work, not an interruption to it and we thank you

Though I'm not as "strong and staminous" as I'd like to be, I'm doing much better than might be true

The list goes on but you get the idea. It's been a great year so far. A hectic, scary year but a great year. I can't wait to see what's next!

And to Sam, Chris, Dace, Brandon, and Ralph, thanks for everything! You guys are the best!

Title Reference: Richard Rogers, Our Favorite Things: Christmas in Vienna